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Part II; "Runaway"
(Reader)'s POV

I can't believe it. Was the only thought going through my head as an upper class-man friend of our team phased through the wall to drag me away. Why would she do that? Why, Blake? Was I not good enough? I could feel tears streaming down my face; I was just barely restraining my self from all-out sobbing.

(Reader): Put me down, Aurora!

Aurora: Do you really want me to let go of you while inside a wall? I thought not.

She kept carrying me until we reached the main lobby, where she deposited me and phased back through the ceiling. Without looking up, I can tell my team is around me...Now my vision is fading to black...And Lazi's trying to nudge me awake...And now all I see is white...Wait white?

???: Hello, little one. May I ask how you got here?

(Reader): I uh, I returned from a failed mission, and saw my girlfriend cheating on me. Why am I even telling this voice all this?

???: I see...Well, short story shorter, you're dead!

(Reader): Wait WHAT?! How?!

???: Heart attack. Also, that wasn't very fair how quickly you died. I hadn't planned for you to die just yet.

Okay, seriously. What. The Heck. Is going on right now?

???: Yeah, so...I'll just bring you back to life. Wanna see what I look like real quick?

No, I wouldn't want to see what a strange voice claiming I'm dead looks like at all.


All of the sudden, I could make out a human-ish figure. Ish, because people have visible heads and not only floating hair. Before it faded, I managed to see cherry-red hair with white tips at the ends. But, the white around me faded too, if that's even possible, and I could distantly hear someone crying and calling my name. Weird.


WITH ATL_, Azul's POV

Before today, I never would have suspected Lazi actually cried this hard. She almost seemed heart...broken...Hmm...Well, now's a good time for revenge for playing Cupid on me last year. That is, if (Reader) wakes up. Dude looked pretty sad before he collapsed. I'm sure he'll be fine.

Lazi: WAKE *sniff* UP, DANGIT!

Me: Laz, I think he's alright.

Lazi: No...he isn't. His heart...stopped beating.

Okay what.

Me: Well then in that case, WE NEED TO GET HIM TO THE INFIRMARY!


TIME-SKIP brought to you by a chibi Azul and Lazi arguing and Tanz reading


Lazi: You know, this guy just keeps on going. *sniff* It's what I like best about him. The minute the staff hooked (Reader) to a heart monitor, his heart began to beat again.


(Reader)'s POV

Okay, what is going on. The sounds are getting louder, and I can at least identify Lazi. Heh, she always did seem over-protective. Probably sees herself as the maternal figure of the group. It would make since if she's this distraught.

*dull thud*

Augh, what now. Can't I just die in peace? Or at the very least, stay in a peaceful coma?

*muffled voice*: Wh...ing...n?!...W...he...ake...p?

The heck? Is that Ruby? But if that's Ruby, then...aw, HELL no!!! Okay, how do I wake up...Oh right. Let's see...eyelid flutter? Check. Twitch left foot spasmodically? Check. Now all that's left is to open my eyes...GAH! WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?!

As you probably could've guessed, I opened my eyes to see blinding light, and my ears cleared up then. I see Ruby and Yang talking with Azul and Lazi. Maybe I could get up and sneak off?


Ruby's POV

Is there something I don't know about going on here? I mean, both Blake and (Reader) crying? Maybe their having friendship struggles? Well, here's a things I find strange today.
  1. Lazi and Yang, arguing. Never thought I'd see the day.
  2. (Reader) unconscious in a infirmary bed with tears streaming down his face. Weird, because he's usually so happy. Did someone trip him?
  3. I got in the room, to hear Blake in the bathroom sobbing, and a window open. Did Sun stop by again? But usually Blake's so happy to see him!
  4. Those exchange students from Haven were acting nicer than usual today. Emerald and Cinder were drawing some stuff on a blackboard about a charity for kittens; best idea EVER! Well, Mercury was a bit weird; maybe he accidentally hurt Blake and (Reader)? I mean, he came in the room holding a bazooka. Anyway, Nora and I have to get ready for our best friend party.
  5. Azul usually stutters and looks away when he talks to me. What did Yang call it? A crush? Whatever that means, he's gotta be worried sick if he's talking normally.
Just as I think of my missing cookie, I notice (Reader) moving around slowly. Did his leg just jolt? He's probably fine. He then quickly gets up, and leaves the room through the door. With the other three arguing, I really can't say anything. Soo, I should probably catch up and ask what happened. Yep! Great idea! I can't see how that could possibly be a bad idea.


TIME-SKIP brought to you by Lazi and Zwei playing fetch


I could not have possibly made a worse decision.

*Flasback five minutes ago*

Me: Hey (Reader) how're you doing? Blake's also sad. Do you know why?

(Reader): Yes.

Me: Is he going back to being quiet again? But I'll be so boored! Okay...Umm, do you wanna talk about it?

(Reader): Sure. So Blake and I have been dating.

Me: That makes so much more sense...wait...Shouldn't we be happy then?

(Reader): If you think cheating with someone else is something to be happy about, sure. I caught Blake and Sun in Blake's bed.

Me: So, what's wrong with a sleepover?

Next I know, he's whispering something in my ear, and telling me never to tell Yang he told me. While I now have a (Did Yang call it a blush? Like Weiss' make-up?) on my face, I am now a bit more suspicious of my catty friend. Ah! Yang'll be so proud of me! He just walks away.

And now, we're back to now, where my cape is glued to a wall. *sigh* This might take awhile.


(Reader)'s POV

Well, goodbye Beacon, and hello streets of Vale.
As now, I have glued Ruby to a wall, locked my old teammates and Yang in the infirmary, and left school grounds. As I walk through the streets, I hear...fighting? What now, am I gonna accidentally stumble upon a mugging?


Huh. Well I'll be darned.

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:iconog19:
OG19 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2017
Ruby needs to get smacked upside the head for that list
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:icondra-rad-11k:
Dra-Rad-11k Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Yeah...she does, doesn't she...but then, I feel it make better comedic effect/plot development is Ruby keeps up the "sweet, innocent little girl" appearance. And uh, yeah...I could've made her put the pieces together, but that's what we all like about Ruby. Her over-reactiveness and putting the pieces together after it's too late.
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:iconmarilsan:
marilsan Featured By Owner Edited Apr 4, 2017  Student Writer
I'll be honest. Just a bit of advice that you can act on if you want since it's just a suggestion. If you want your stories to have more feedback you might want to change how you write dialogue (once again if you want) because it resembles how someone would write a script with a play. It's more attractive to look at dialogue in quotations. 

Other than that, when you're writing out of dialogue, your writing is pretty good. It looks like you're having difficulty getting feedback on your reader-insert though. When I read on to your other chapters I was actually was quite impressed at the length and how you space out your writing quite nicely. Spacing out writing is also another quirk that attracts readers and you seem to have this naturally. RWBY is actually quite a popular reader-insert category so if you write an attractive looking story there's bound to be many people who will read through it. Also when you describe certain details and use these '* *' symbols it's almost like you're rping. Not writing a story.

My suggestion?

Detail it more.

I read a part in this chapter that is written *dull thud* and another one which was *sigh*

How about something else? 

It can be something simple. Just write something along the lines of, 'There was a dull thud.' and 'He sighed.'  But even then you can add more words to make it easier for the readers to imagine it. For example, 'He let out a sigh of relief' or 'A sigh of disappointment escaped his lips.' 

This ended up being a rather long comment but these are suggestions that you could work on if you wished. You actually write pretty well. It's just hard to rope readers in.

EDIT:

Might I add that if you submit this writing to a group you will definitely get more readers. MaleReader-Inserts is an excellent group. 
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:icondra-rad-11k:
Dra-Rad-11k Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
My gosh thank you. I knew I wasn't great at detail, but wow. This comment right here is going to be kept open in TABS on my browser. Also, would you mind giving me an example? On another thought, how do I submit something to a group?
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:iconmarilsan:
marilsan Featured By Owner Edited Apr 5, 2017  Student Writer
There's an option to submit your deviation to a group on the right side of your deviation, just below the 'more from deviantart' suggestions you'll find a button that says '+ add to a group.' There you can type in a name of the group you want (it has to be the EXACT title or else it won't show up) and then submit it into one of the group's categories. MaleReader-Inserts is pretty easy to navigate through and there's a lot of people in that group who support RWBY reader-inserts. (So you'll grab attention in no time.)

Here are a few examples from a book I have - called Death Warmed Over written by Kevin J. Anderson. Of both dialogue and of details.

She tore open an envelope and looked at the results with a disbelieving grumble. "You gotta love the post office." She held up the paper. "This letter to me - important chemical results - took weeks to be delivered, even though I filed all the change-of-address forms as soon as I came back from the dead."

(You'll notice when our character here is grumbling the author could have put *grumble* but didn't.)

Here's another one.

"I believe you, but my sister's a sow!" Mavis's lower lip trembled, and I could see she was about ready to unleash a hurricane of tears and sniffles. "I always wanted to work in publishing. I even applied for a job at Howard Phillips, offered to help with proofreading. They never responded. And now... my poor sister!"

In the second example you'll notice how the main character is examining Mavis's current expressions. Mavis is on the brim of crying (perhaps sobbing) as we understand it as a 'hurricane or tears and sniffles.' 

And lastly, here is a rather simple sentence, 

"They could at least have used a spell check," Robin said. 

You're good at portraying what characters are thinking. This is an excellent part of your writing...

Simply adding how our character is feeling (or doing) during a moment of thinking is detail. You've already shown an example in this chapter though!! The very first paragraph. [I can't believe it. Was the only thought going through my head as an upper class-man friend of our team phased through the wall to drag me away. Why would she do that? Why, Blake? Was I not good enough?] Which is excellent! 
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:icondra-rad-11k:
Dra-Rad-11k Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
D'aww you, makin' me blush 'n stuff! But yeah, thanks! Never really put too much thought to details like that.
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:iconmarilsan:
marilsan Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2017  Student Writer
I've gone ahead and invited most of your reader-inserts to the group if that's okay. Although they still won't be submitted without your permission. 
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:icondra-rad-11k:
Dra-Rad-11k Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2017  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
Done! And thanks!
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